Ask Amy: Must adult daughter living abroad respond to daily texts from her mother?

Jun 21, 2023

Mom texts every day. She'd be happy with even a "thumbs up" from her daughter living abroad.

Dear Amy: My sister, 60, and her daughter (28) are having a dispute.

My niece went to grad school in another country and has opted to stay for a few more years.

Everyone is happy but being a young single woman far away (five hour time difference), her mom is constantly worrying about her.

She’s made a few visits to see her, and my niece gets back home often. However, my sister feels it’s rude of my niece not to respond to texts from her. She believes it’s not too much to ask my niece for a daily text to make sure she’s all right (alive) — she’d be thrilled with just a return emoji – thumbs up.

My niece believes that touching base two or three times a week is enough.

This is causing a rift.

Also, it hurts her that her daughter wouldn’t want to know that her own mother is alive and well, too.

Any thoughts on how to proceed?

– Uncle Who Cares (I live far away, too)

Dear Uncle: Back in the day, if you wanted to check in with an overseas relative, you would wait for that tissue-paper airmail letter to land in your mailbox. Or you would have a weekly call to catch up.

My point is that with the ability to be in constant contact, people seem to have lost the capacity to manage their own anxieties.

Your niece is not serving in a war zone. Constantly worrying about whether a 28-year-old woman is alive seems excessive, as is expecting this daughter to worry every day about whether her mother is alive.

However – because this dynamic does exist, yes, I do agree that the daughter should acknowledge her mother’s daily texts.

Dear Amy: “Loves to Travel” wanted to take occasional brief trips with her friends, but her husband made life miserable before each trip.

This is emotional abuse and control, and she should be wary.

– Upset

Dear Upset: To me, this seemed more like misplaced anxiety coming from a long-married spouse. But I do agree that the wife should not cede control to her husband and should enjoy her travels.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.

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